Friday, July 17, 2009
What to do now?
When I tried to open my eyes the glare from the Central Fire stabbed through my head like sharpened quiva making me moan and turn over. Keeping my eyes closed tightly I realized that those small tickles that seemed to find my nose of interest were blades of grass. Batting them away I finally set up, drawing my knees up to rest my arms on, dropping my head on to them. Damn! Was that reek of soured paga coming from me?
Cracking one eye open I see the pile of empty paga skins. Not just the two that I had hauled out here myself, but a pile of many more. A hand moves to rub the back of my neck as fuzzy memories begin to come of others coming out to join him, to pay homage to the fallen. That's what you do for heroes, right? You drink to them and tell stories of their exploits. From the way I feel, and the empty botas laying around, we had given Ba'atar a fine warriors send off.
Sitting there for a long time, I was almost afraid to move and disturb my head that was pounding, not to mention my stomach that was turning over at the paga smells. An absolutely overwhelming need for water is what finally drew me up and made me face the day. Stumbling tomy feet, I turn around to look for Lestat. Spying the beast, I whistle. The black beast trots up, and I swear the damnable animal sniffed in disapproval. Screw him!
Mounting, we rode in the general direction of the stream and once there, I tumbled from the saddle and lay on my belly on the bank, scooping cool water up with my cupped hand to drink. Occasionally I would turn and spit the water out onto the bank to try and rid myself of that foul aftertaste and to maybe wash that fuzz that seemed to be growing on my tongue away.
Sitting up, I tugged off my boots, then lay back and unlaced the leathers and squirmed out of them, kicking them to the side. Standing, I was unsteady as I walked into the waters and with absolutely no thought to grace or dignity, simply plopped down in them, allowing them to wash around me. It took awhile for the paga induced clouds begin to clear. Looking along the bank of the stream I see what I need, and basically crawl over to it. Pulling the soap root up, I take it back out into the deeper waters and scrub from head to toe. It makes me feel more human, being clean.
Stumbling out of the water, I found Lestat and took a half-empty water bota down to the stream to fill it. Sitting there on the grassy bank, I drank and thought. The pain of losing my brother was physical, something needling away at me, but I needed to move away from it right now.
Damnit, I have never given thoughts to being Ubar on a permanent basis. There was always some sort of comfort in knowing that Ba'atar would return, take back his rightful place, then I would move on with my life. In fact, I have even promised this to Mezoo. We would not mate until after Ba'atar returned, and we could start off our life together as simply the scarrer and the spex.
Well, hell. You lied, bosk ass.
I could step down, but that was not an option. That would be too much like a failure and I have had enough of that to last for awhile. Besides, I think I do a good job for the most part, and my decisions are right for the people. So no, stepping down is not an option. Right now, the people need someone to help lead them through a difficult time. That is my duty right now, and I will not shirk it.
Taking another drink, I allowed the bota to dangle between my hands that rested on my knees. Staring at the stream I caught the movement of a leaf as it floated in the water. There was this dipping, whirling, almost fascinating on how it traveled at the whims of the waves. I began to wonder, if we are not like that leaf, simply floating along the stream of life at the whim of something higher. Some capricious power that found amusement in our struggles, maybe even some sort of rancor in our joys and successes.
One who finds some sort of perverse amusement in taking a life at the pentacle of it's success, just because it can. In the past, I have never given much thought to what happens when a life is lost. I mean, I have seen what happens to those left behind, I have even seen that with the loss of three younger brothers. I have known that pain and what it does to a family. My mother grieved then, but not to the extent I think she will now.
Hopefully, when Mother has her time to accept this, I will be able to step in, take my place as eldest son. I still have younger brothers that need guidance, and I want to be there for them. I also want to be there for my parents, now that they are growing older. Our life is difficult, but I am in a position to make it easier for them, and I hope that I am allowed to.
But at that moment, I knew there were things to be done, people to speak to, problems to solve. Dressing, I took the reins of the kaiila and walked back towards camp. I turned him over to a handler, then walked in the direction of Cana's wagons. This was not something I wanted to do. What do I say, how do I make things right. That is my duty as Ubar, right? To make things right.
I am about to fail in that duty, miserably.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
My Brother
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me.
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's hear
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
(Rufus Wainwright)
When the word came, I just sat there. I think I had known for a long time that my brother was not returning, but I just didn't want to speak of if. Some would not know how close we really were. We had our moments when we fought, when we disagreed, but we were brothers and we were close. It was a strong bond, tested by time and the trials of brotherhood.
I had began to feel that bond fading. I had felt him fading. Do I feel guilty. Skies yes! Guilty that I was not there to fight by his side, to die with him. Guilty that I had lost faith in him coming back. Guilty that I still live, and he does not. I think that is how it is with brothers.
I sat for a long time with my memories. Memories of us as children, memories of the fights, and the times that we stood side by side, to fight others. Black eyes, bloodied noses, broken bones, we shared them all. There is this thing with some brothers. It is okay for me to pick on him, or for him to pick on me.......but, you let someone else try it, then they have to fight us both. That is just how it is with brothers.
I have spent all of my life, just a half a step behind him. He earned his name, I earned mine about a moon later. He earned his first scar, I was not far behind him. I think that is one of the reasons I took a mate first. I wanted to be the first to do something. In hindsight, I should have let him lead there too.
I loved my brother, and no one can really know how much I will miss the arrogant, bosk arse. He could charm gold out of Turians teeth, when he wanted, then turn around and make them so angry they wanted to kill. That is just how he was. I will miss him.
I knew there was one thing that I needed to do before the gossip got around camp. I needed to be the one to tell our parents, before anyone else could. It was not something that I looked forward to.
When I arrived at their wagons, I think our mother knew the moment that she saw me. To say that she was livid and inconsolable would be an understatement. And I thought I was ready for the guilt and recriminations, because it was him, and not me. But I am not sure you can ever be ready for that. It has never been a secret that Ba'atar was the first son, and the favorite of our mother. The rest of us grew accustomed to that long ago. And I know that because of some of the things in my past, she doesn't care for me much. She loves me. She is my mother, but I don't think she likes me much.
As for our Father. He knew how I was feeling, and the loss that weighed so heavy on me. And he know, that if I could have, I would have taken Ba'atar's place within the blink of one eye. It has been a long time since my father embraced me as he did that night. He knew that I needed it, and maybe he needed it too. Releasing me, he cuffed me on the cheek and told me to go tend to my people, that he would calm Mother. He is a good man, and I do not envy him, and what he has to deal with right now. Maybe someday, she will look at me in a different light, but it will not be tonight. Tonight is her night to grieve for her First Son.
And, I could already feel it. Tonight was going to be a paga night. I took a couple of botas, rode out past the herds and got down off of Lestat and dropped to the ground cross-legged. I drank to my brother, I drank to his companions, I drank to their lives and to our loss.
And then I sang. I sang a song for Ba'atar. A song for my brother.
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me.
If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's hear
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.
It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
(Rufus Wainwright)
When the word came, I just sat there. I think I had known for a long time that my brother was not returning, but I just didn't want to speak of if. Some would not know how close we really were. We had our moments when we fought, when we disagreed, but we were brothers and we were close. It was a strong bond, tested by time and the trials of brotherhood.
I had began to feel that bond fading. I had felt him fading. Do I feel guilty. Skies yes! Guilty that I was not there to fight by his side, to die with him. Guilty that I had lost faith in him coming back. Guilty that I still live, and he does not. I think that is how it is with brothers.
I sat for a long time with my memories. Memories of us as children, memories of the fights, and the times that we stood side by side, to fight others. Black eyes, bloodied noses, broken bones, we shared them all. There is this thing with some brothers. It is okay for me to pick on him, or for him to pick on me.......but, you let someone else try it, then they have to fight us both. That is just how it is with brothers.
I have spent all of my life, just a half a step behind him. He earned his name, I earned mine about a moon later. He earned his first scar, I was not far behind him. I think that is one of the reasons I took a mate first. I wanted to be the first to do something. In hindsight, I should have let him lead there too.
I loved my brother, and no one can really know how much I will miss the arrogant, bosk arse. He could charm gold out of Turians teeth, when he wanted, then turn around and make them so angry they wanted to kill. That is just how he was. I will miss him.
I knew there was one thing that I needed to do before the gossip got around camp. I needed to be the one to tell our parents, before anyone else could. It was not something that I looked forward to.
When I arrived at their wagons, I think our mother knew the moment that she saw me. To say that she was livid and inconsolable would be an understatement. And I thought I was ready for the guilt and recriminations, because it was him, and not me. But I am not sure you can ever be ready for that. It has never been a secret that Ba'atar was the first son, and the favorite of our mother. The rest of us grew accustomed to that long ago. And I know that because of some of the things in my past, she doesn't care for me much. She loves me. She is my mother, but I don't think she likes me much.
As for our Father. He knew how I was feeling, and the loss that weighed so heavy on me. And he know, that if I could have, I would have taken Ba'atar's place within the blink of one eye. It has been a long time since my father embraced me as he did that night. He knew that I needed it, and maybe he needed it too. Releasing me, he cuffed me on the cheek and told me to go tend to my people, that he would calm Mother. He is a good man, and I do not envy him, and what he has to deal with right now. Maybe someday, she will look at me in a different light, but it will not be tonight. Tonight is her night to grieve for her First Son.
And, I could already feel it. Tonight was going to be a paga night. I took a couple of botas, rode out past the herds and got down off of Lestat and dropped to the ground cross-legged. I drank to my brother, I drank to his companions, I drank to their lives and to our loss.
And then I sang. I sang a song for Ba'atar. A song for my brother.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wards of the State....Sorta.
It has not been all that long ago, that I was basically living the life of a hermit in my wagons, on the edge of camp. Back then, I told myself I was content, and I think I was. I had built this shell around me, this persona meant to keep people at a distance. I hunted, took care of my needs, shared the bounty of my hunts with others, secretly. An occasional warrior would come to me for a scar he had earned. Usually one that I had the honor of scarring before. A repeat customer.
Occasionally I would venture to the wagons of my family for a visit, to try and keep the connection. I still think family connections are important, even though I had basically lapsed in mine. And these visits were where I learned the gossip of camp. People will tell you that women are the worst gossips. I will disagree with them. My brothers are no slouches. They kept me caught up on things that were going on in camp.
Those days are long gone. Ba'atar came to me, needing someone he trusted at the fires with him, now that he was Ubar. You do not deny your brother, that is all that there is to it. I came, but I still tried to keep myself separate, at that time, not wanting to be involved any further than what was needed by my brother, my Ubar.
All of that has changed. I am now Ubar, not by choice, or by challenge, but by request of my brother. I am doing my best to do what is right for my people, and I will admit, it is not an easy task, but I am muddling through.
One of the responsibilities that I have is for women. I am the guardian to women, imagine that. What were not all that long ago, my least favorite people, are now my wards. The Sky definitely has a sense of humor.
I imagine right now, Seveya is not real happy with me, and eventually I will have to deal with that. Besides Seveya, there is Asria. Asria, the year keeper that is not a year keeper.
I inherited Asria from Fonce. What happened between them, I don't know, and I haven't asked. All I know is that the woman is under my care. Not only her, but two small children. Recently, she approached me and told me that she wanted to change clans. This is not something that happens often, but I got the impression that she never really chose her first clan, and that made it a little different.
She wants to be a singer. Believe it or not, she has come to the right person. One of the best Singers that I know just happens to be my father, Aamon. He is not only an excellent singer, he is a patient teacher. I know that first hand, because he was very patient with me, right up until the point I finally put us both out of our misery, dug in my heels and said I was NOT, going to be a Singer.
He will be good for Asria. I am thinking that she needs someone to work with her, that did not know her late man, Trayu. That has no pre-conceived ideas about who she is and who she should be. My father, will treat Asria, as Asria, fledgling singer. It will be interesting to see how this progresses.
My main ward is Cana, the mate of my brother. For the most part, she is no problems. She knows who she is, she is self-reliant, a woman with direction. Not a complainer, and asks for very little. Even her children are no more problems than most children are. They are spirited, but also disciplined, and well behaved, considering their ages. And the girls, are special to me. Even as young as they are, I find them beautiful, and can see in the future, how they will grow even more so. And I don't give a damn what they say, these girls will be no problem.
Recently, I do have a problem with Cana. Not one that she has really brought on by actions, or deed. She doesn't talk to me much, and I get a lot of what I know from others. Ergo, Mezoo. I know that Cana is having trouble sleeping. I can understand this. She is a woman whose man has been gone for over a year now, without a word. What woman would not be having trouble sleeping, under those circumstances?
But, from what I am being told, she is having nightmares. I don't dream, so I don't know anything about this. All I know is that she is losing weight, and when she smiles, it does not extend to her eyes. It is almost as if she thinks it is her duty to smile. Her clan work has not suffered, she still manages to take care of her children, but there is just something off about her. I have a great deal of respect for her, and because of that, I am worried.
And besides, if anything happens to her, Ba'atar will kill me when he returns. But there is definitely something amiss, something terribly wrong.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is the Price too Steep?
You know, I have about decided that Cana has as many spies in this damn camp as I do. She knew about Another One, Oren and the verr, but she made me sweat, worrying about a reaction. I don't know why? I have yet to see a mean streak in the woman. Not even a small one. But, I have this feeling, that she might now have a mean streak, but she does have it in her to get even with me, sooner or later. But for now, everything is smoothed over, more or less.
That is when my next challenge presented itself. Damn!
What do you do when a man, a friend comes to you to ask a bride price. You give it to him, right? I can't just do the easy thing, name a few baubles, a number of bosk, maybe a fine bull, and be done with it. I have to ask a question, that I already knew the answer to.
Do you love the woman?
Well, no. You see, my friend is a very intense man, one of deep thoughts on many things, but I have learned long ago, that there is the one thing, that in all his wisdom, he does not understand or know. That one thing is love. He loves his tribe, he loves the land, and I think there are even friends and family members that he hold great respect and affection for. But does the man know love? I don't think so.
And therein lies my problem. We have both just turned through ourselves to make things right with the woman, to place her back where she belongs, to make her feel safe and protected. In doing that, did he really think I would set a price for her, to a man that admits that he does not love her? Not even for the man I consider my best friend. Not even to a man that I respect above all others.
Was I being narrow minded? Maybe so. But I just can't help it. I feel the both of them need more time, that this is coming too soon after the situation that we have all just barely managed to make right for the woman. I have got to know down deep in my soul, that they are right for each other. Now, what makes me the judge of that. Nothing.
There was a time, with me, that love would never have even entered into the equation. A time when the price would be set, paid, then they would have been on their own from that point on. But I am not that same man.
I am a man who has floundered himself when it came to the subject of love. I am a man who has known first hand what it is to be in a situation where one loves, and the other doesn't. I know how deadly that can be. I know how it can suck the very life out of you, make you act in ways that are uncharacteristic for you, as a person. I do not want that for Seveya. And I do not want it for Fonce.
The man Fonce possesses a standard of honor that I truly see in very few. He has an integrity about himself, and all that he does, that we should all look to as an example. Do I doubt that he would take care of Seveya. No. That is just not who he is. He would mate her, take care of her needs, and I even think that in the beginning, he would try to love her, in the only way that he knows how.
It is down the road that I worry about. What if the day comes when that integrity and honor is not enough? What if the day comes, when he realizes, or she realizes that what they have is not strong enough to withstand the day to day vagaries of life together.
Right now, I have no doubts that they both feel something for each other. I have no doubts that she loves him, and I really have no doubts that maybe incites something in him that no other has. My hope, is that something can grow from all of this.
By denying the bride price, and I trying to dash all of this? No. All I am trying to do is to get them to take more time. More time to look at what they have together, and see if it is something that will endure past these feelings of passion, and maybe even new emotions that are boiling in them both. I want them to be sure.
We mate for life. Good, bad or indifferent, that is how it is. I have seen matings set aside, but I have never seen anything really good come from this. There are always deeper emotions flowing beneath the surface, some that maybe never get resolved.
I do not want this for either of them. She has been through enough. And from what I know of him, so has he. All I want for them to do is take time, to know each other. To see if what they have can grow into something more.
And I realize, that in denying the price to him right now, I may be affecting my own future. But I have come to realize something about Mezoo and myself. What grows between us will endure. Each moment we spend together, brings us closer, makes us stronger. And understanding grows between us, a bond that it will grow stronger with each passing day.
This is what I want for Fonce and Seveya. This knowing, that they can endure life together, with all of the hardships that come with it.
I have no doubts that he will speak to me of this again, eventually. Maybe by that time, my answer will be different. But it will not be tomorrow, or the day after. They still need time.
Another One and Oren
All my problems are over, right? Well, not exactly. There were still a few rough edges to smooth out.
The next morning I gathered up Another One, explaining to him that he was going to learn to herd verr. To say he was reticent would be an understatement. We stopped and I sat on the steps of a wagon, drew him closer and spoke to him in this conspiratorial whisper, like I was imparting great knowledge to him. I explained that the woman Oren was lonely, and needed someone to keep her company in the herds, but that this was a warrior's secret, and he could not tell this to anyone, especially, Oren!
Mezoo has been spending quite a bit of time with Cana's children and they adore her. I don't mean like her, I mean they think the Central Fire rises and sets in her shadow. So do I, but that is another story. I will admit.......I used this. I explained to him that if Oren got too lonely, that Mezoo would have to move her wagons back to be with her, and the children would not be able to see her everyday, as they were now. The look of shock and consternation on that boys face, was almost painful to watch, and I will admit to a twinge of guilt. But only a small twinge.
Hastily, he agreed to spend his time with the verr, making it seem like the supreme sacrifice so that his siblings could still spend time with Mezoo.
Ha!
I think it was more along the lines of him being able to spend more time with the little spex, but I did not let on that I knew.
I should probably be beat for what I used as the closer. Leaning in closer, I look around to make it seem that this was the biggest secret of all, then I appealed to that thing which all men have, no matter how young, or how old. I told him to remember, if he learned the verr, that was something that none of his brothers would know about, even Tug. I'll be damned if I didn't see this almost avaricious twinkle in his eye. He was about to learn something that not even his older brother knew.
From that point on, I could not move fast enough to get him to Oren and her verr. Introductions were made, and I slowly backed away as Oren began to explain those foul little four-legged eating things to the boy. But, I was not quick enough. Oren looked up, and eyed me, studying me, and somehow, she knew, and for now she was going to let me get away with it, but I have this feeling that I will pay for it later on.
I did not tarry, turned on my heel and escaped the verr herds as quickly as I could.
Ayguili, you are a manipulator, not a good one, but you got by this time. Next on your agenda of manipulation, will be selling this all to Cana.
Good luck!.
The next morning I gathered up Another One, explaining to him that he was going to learn to herd verr. To say he was reticent would be an understatement. We stopped and I sat on the steps of a wagon, drew him closer and spoke to him in this conspiratorial whisper, like I was imparting great knowledge to him. I explained that the woman Oren was lonely, and needed someone to keep her company in the herds, but that this was a warrior's secret, and he could not tell this to anyone, especially, Oren!
Mezoo has been spending quite a bit of time with Cana's children and they adore her. I don't mean like her, I mean they think the Central Fire rises and sets in her shadow. So do I, but that is another story. I will admit.......I used this. I explained to him that if Oren got too lonely, that Mezoo would have to move her wagons back to be with her, and the children would not be able to see her everyday, as they were now. The look of shock and consternation on that boys face, was almost painful to watch, and I will admit to a twinge of guilt. But only a small twinge.
Hastily, he agreed to spend his time with the verr, making it seem like the supreme sacrifice so that his siblings could still spend time with Mezoo.
Ha!
I think it was more along the lines of him being able to spend more time with the little spex, but I did not let on that I knew.
I should probably be beat for what I used as the closer. Leaning in closer, I look around to make it seem that this was the biggest secret of all, then I appealed to that thing which all men have, no matter how young, or how old. I told him to remember, if he learned the verr, that was something that none of his brothers would know about, even Tug. I'll be damned if I didn't see this almost avaricious twinkle in his eye. He was about to learn something that not even his older brother knew.
From that point on, I could not move fast enough to get him to Oren and her verr. Introductions were made, and I slowly backed away as Oren began to explain those foul little four-legged eating things to the boy. But, I was not quick enough. Oren looked up, and eyed me, studying me, and somehow, she knew, and for now she was going to let me get away with it, but I have this feeling that I will pay for it later on.
I did not tarry, turned on my heel and escaped the verr herds as quickly as I could.
Ayguili, you are a manipulator, not a good one, but you got by this time. Next on your agenda of manipulation, will be selling this all to Cana.
Good luck!.
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