What to do now?

When I tried to open my eyes the glare from the Central Fire stabbed through my head like sharpened quiva making me moan and turn over. Keeping my eyes closed tightly I realized that those small tickles that seemed to find my nose of interest were blades of grass. Batting them away I finally set up, drawing my knees up to rest my arms on, dropping my head on to them. Damn! Was that reek of soured paga coming from me?


Cracking one eye open I see the pile of empty paga skins. Not just the two that I had hauled out here myself, but a pile of many more. A hand moves to rub the back of my neck as fuzzy memories begin to come of others coming out to join him, to pay homage to the fallen. That's what you do for heroes, right? You drink to them and tell stories of their exploits. From the way I feel, and the empty botas laying around, we had given Ba'atar a fine warriors send off.


Sitting there for a long time, I was almost afraid to move and disturb my head that was pounding, not to mention my stomach that was turning over at the paga smells. An absolutely overwhelming need for water is what finally drew me up and made me face the day. Stumbling tomy feet, I turn around to look for Lestat. Spying the beast, I whistle. The black beast trots up, and I swear the damnable animal sniffed in disapproval. Screw him!


Mounting, we rode in the general direction of the stream and once there, I tumbled from the saddle and lay on my belly on the bank, scooping cool water up with my cupped hand to drink. Occasionally I would turn and spit the water out onto the bank to try and rid myself of that foul aftertaste and to maybe wash that fuzz that seemed to be growing on my tongue away.


Sitting up, I tugged off my boots, then lay back and unlaced the leathers and squirmed out of them, kicking them to the side. Standing, I was unsteady as I walked into the waters and with absolutely no thought to grace or dignity, simply plopped down in them, allowing them to wash around me. It took awhile for the paga induced clouds begin to clear. Looking along the bank of the stream I see what I need, and basically crawl over to it. Pulling the soap root up, I take it back out into the deeper waters and scrub from head to toe. It makes me feel more human, being clean.


Stumbling out of the water, I found Lestat and took a half-empty water bota down to the stream to fill it. Sitting there on the grassy bank, I drank and thought. The pain of losing my brother was physical, something needling away at me, but I needed to move away from it right now.


Damnit, I have never given thoughts to being Ubar on a permanent basis. There was always some sort of comfort in knowing that Ba'atar would return, take back his rightful place, then I would move on with my life. In fact, I have even promised this to Mezoo. We would not mate until after Ba'atar returned, and we could start off our life together as simply the scarrer and the spex.


Well, hell. You lied, bosk ass.


I could step down, but that was not an option. That would be too much like a failure and I have had enough of that to last for awhile. Besides, I think I do a good job for the most part, and my decisions are right for the people. So no, stepping down is not an option. Right now, the people need someone to help lead them through a difficult time. That is my duty right now, and I will not shirk it.


Taking another drink, I allowed the bota to dangle between my hands that rested on my knees. Staring at the stream I caught the movement of a leaf as it floated in the water. There was this dipping, whirling, almost fascinating on how it traveled at the whims of the waves. I began to wonder, if we are not like that leaf, simply floating along the stream of life at the whim of something higher. Some capricious power that found amusement in our struggles, maybe even some sort of rancor in our joys and successes.


One who finds some sort of perverse amusement in taking a life at the pentacle of it's success, just because it can. In the past, I have never given much thought to what happens when a life is lost. I mean, I have seen what happens to those left behind, I have even seen that with the loss of three younger brothers. I have known that pain and what it does to a family. My mother grieved then, but not to the extent I think she will now.


Hopefully, when Mother has her time to accept this, I will be able to step in, take my place as eldest son. I still have younger brothers that need guidance, and I want to be there for them. I also want to be there for my parents, now that they are growing older. Our life is difficult, but I am in a position to make it easier for them, and I hope that I am allowed to.


But at that moment, I knew there were things to be done, people to speak to, problems to solve. Dressing, I took the reins of the kaiila and walked back towards camp. I turned him over to a handler, then walked in the direction of Cana's wagons. This was not something I wanted to do. What do I say, how do I make things right. That is my duty as Ubar, right? To make things right.


I am about to fail in that duty, miserably.