Thoughts in the still of the night.

I am tired. I can't ever remember being this tired. And it is not just the weariness of the body, but more than that. To see so much death and destruction makes me want to curl up for a time in hopes that it will just go away, even if I know it won't.


And the assurance and support of others have helped me to keep going, but I still can't help but shoulder a burden. Should I have moved us earlier? Even a day may have made a difference. I was waiting on the scouting reports about better grass, and maybe I waited too long. Maybe I should have had everyone packed up and ready sooner, so that when the reports came, we could have gotten on the move instantly. Would it have been different had we not tarried that one extra day? I will never know, all I can do, is carry this responsibility, but carry it in a way that it does not impede me in my future decisions for the tribe.


When I lay down to try and get some rest, I feel as if there is a bosk bull sitting on my chest robbing me of the deep breaths that I need. I am haunted by that night and all that happened. It is if I wish there were more of me, or that somehow I could split what there is to be in more places at the same time.


I was fighting along the fire line, helping with the trenches when I saw Tarra with Mezoo unconscious across her saddle jump the trench and head towards the healers wagons. At that moment, I wanted to abandon my post, to follow, to make sure she was alive. But I did not. I stay where I was until I was no longer needed there. Only then, did I ride towards the safety of the wagons, to see how she was.


It was such a blow to me to see her laying there, covered with soot and ash and unconscious. Thankfully the healer did not send me away, and allowed me to draw closer to sit beside her. Holding that delicate hand in mine, I was glad there was no one there to see me, and the tears that fell. She looked so small, so delicate, that it actually made me hurt to know that she had been in harms way.


And then there was the guilt. Our last conversation had not been pleasant. I think we both struggle to find the balance that we need to go forward with our lives. The frustration of not having the time to spend together was the third party to that conversation. And with us both being stubborn, and being Tuchuk it was hard for either of us to yield. I had hoped she would understand where I was. I had always had this thought in the back of my mind, that Ba'tar would return and we would be able to start our life together. I still had that hope, but I sensed something in her, that I had never seen before. A reticence to continue this journey with me. I will admit, it hurt. And at the time, I thought that maybe both of us needed some space to cool down and to think. I guess I was wrong.


I love Mezoo. I love her gentle nature, her smile, her laugh, her sense of humor, her compassion. All of those things I love. I had given up all hope that I would ever meet a woman that would be able to touch that part of me that I thought was dead, but she did. And she did not do it by any supreme effort, she did it by simply being who she is, and by making the effort to learn who I was. I love her for that.


When I saw her at the stream tonight, I sensed a difference in her, a distance, a coolness. I can say here, that it hurt me more than any of the wounds my body has ever absorbed. We had to talk. There was this part of me that did not want to, but there was the other part that knew it was necessary.


I have watched that beautiful face for so long, that it can't really hold secrets from me. But, for some reason, I think she has gotten the idea, that I don't love her, and nothing is further from the truth. I love her so much that it is a pain to me that I can't spend the time with her that I want, and I know she still loves me, it is there in her eyes. But there is something else there. I can almost see that she is searching for something that I cannot give her. It is not because I do not want to, but because right now, I just can't.


My father is a wise man. He once told me that if you have a treasure that your hold to be most precious, that the time may come that you will need to release it. To allow it to grow into what it is meant to be. If the love you have for it, and that it has for you, is true, then it will return to you, more beautiful than ever. If it does not return, then it was never meant to be.


I realized in talking with Mezoo, that this seeking that she had to do, would have to be in a direction that I could not walk. We have made promises to each other, and if I were the man that I was at one time, I might hold her to these promises, but I am a different man now, partly due to her. I will release her from these promises, to go her way, to find that thing she seeks.


I think the hardest thing that I have ever done, is to carry her back to Oren's wagons, set her on the platform then to walk away. The pain in my chest was so overwhelming, that I could not breathe.


And so I find myself here, alone and in the dark, with tears falling, and my heart aching for the loss of my precious Little Spex. I hope she finds that thing that will give her happiness, that person, that calling. As for me? I will always love her, but right now, I have found the strength to let her go, to let her find what she needs.


Fly my Little Spex. Soar and find your hearts desire.