We are Tuchuk. And Our Strength Comes from That.

I had returned to help at the pyre wagons, stacking bodies. I hated it. To me, each burned body was a failure on my part. Maybe someday, I will get over that, but right now, I feel responsible for each and everyone of them.


I finally set down with my commanders, and we talked of what needed to be done. Part of me wanted to stay right here until every soul was put to rest, until every ounce of goods was salvaged, but I knew we could not do that. Already the ash was blowing into the stream, polluting our one source of clean water. There was no grass for the bosk, the game had all run off in face of the fire, and we could not stay. There were those that argued for sending the herd on ahead to the new grasses, leaving the wagons here. That was not an option. I had no intentions of splitting the tribe up like that. It just was not wise, nor was it feasible.


Over the next two days time, we would salvage what we could, have pyres for our dead, then we would move. I charged one of my commanders of an Orlu, to stay behind and salvage what they could. But only for one more hand. Only one hand, no more.


The meeting had just broke up when one of my men approached me with an outrider in tow. The man was part of Trilok's company, and when he said that, I felt my stomach knot up. I had him brought food and water, and bid him to sit and tell me his news. It was as I had thought.


They had been returning from their hunt and were caught on the other side of the fire, where they took a stand to fight it from there. One of them fell, thrown from his kaiila and Trilok rode into the conflagration to save his man, lifting him up to put him on his own beast, then slapping the flanks so that it would carry the man to safety beyond the fire line. He was trying to run back, where there was a flame up, and he perished in the blaze. He died sacrificing his own life and safety for another. A most honorable death.


For some reason, this hit me harder than some. He was a good man, a likeable man, and his death affected two women that I had a great deal of respect for. Noya, his mate, and Cana, his aunt. I do not even have the words, for how heavily this lay on my heart, when I went to seek these two out.


I found Noya at the stream with her children, and I think she knew the moment that I approached her, the news I had. There was no way to soften the blow, to make it less painful. There was nothing that I could do, but to draw her away from the others and tell her honestly how her man had died.


This woman is an elder, and no stranger to loss and the harshness of our life. But, everyone has that point where they break, even if it is just a little. I held her, and promised that she and her children would want for nothing, as long as I sat the grays. It was a promise that I committed myself to, and I think she knows that. Her eldest son, from her first mating, arrived and I stepped away to speak to him, to tell him what had happened. I do not know him well, but I cannot help but be proud of how he stepped in to comfort his mother and his younger siblings. A good man, an honorable young man.


There were those at the stream that tried to get me to stay but I didn't have the time. My duties were not over, I still has one more to tell, before I could even think about rest and food. As I approached the wagons that belong to the woman that was once mated to my brother, the woman that I still consider Ubara, my heart was heavy once more. How much more loss could she handle, where exactly was her breaking point? I think she knew too as soon as I stepped into the circle of light. I sat with her, told her what I knew in as few words as I could. The old warrior was there, and he pulled her into his arms to let her cry. I can't help but wonder how many times he has just, been there.


When she calmed, she asked if I had told Ephrim and Anya yet? Who the hell are Ephrim and Anya? When I realized she spoke of Trilok's parents, I know that I gave a heavy sigh. No, I had not told them. She offered to do it. I refused, it was my task. Finally we came to an agreement. I would tell them, but she would go with me to do it. Another long walk to be taken.


I was thankful for Cana. They knew, just like everyone else knows, but she took the woman aside, so that I could talk to the father, Ephrim, man to man. I told him of what I knew, he thanked me, then went to get his woman, to tell her what he now knew.


Other's began to arrive at the fire, and you could tell the ones that were Cana's brothers. They all share a certain look, a certain way of carrying themselves. I introduced myself to them, told them why I was there, and from the corner of my eye watched Cana with the other women, preparing food. I think they do that as a form of comfort to themselves. It is a woman thing, I guess. If you are upset you eat, or make sure others eat.


I tried to leave, but was drawn back, and told I needed to rest and share a meal with them. How can you refuse? There was Cana with a plate, and I began to eat, realizing how hungry I really was. They all began to talk about Trilok, how he was as a boy, things he had done. There was just this love and laughter thing with them, that made me want to watch, to see how they bonded as a family.


I got a lot of insight into Cana that night. I know her parents are both gone, but seeing the rest of her family, I can understand where she gets her strength, her empathy and her compassion. It is a family trait among these wagons she came from. And strength. It almost radiated from these people, and sitting there it hit me, that it is this strength and bonds among family units that will help us get through this horror, and to move on. It is this bond of family that keeps this tribe strong.


The night was an education for me, a lesson learned that I will not soon forget. And in a way, it gave me strength to get up and continue what I knew had to be down.


As I was leaving, the woman Anya came to me, wrapped her arms around me and spoke to me. She thanked me. Thanked me for taking my time to come tell them, and for not just sending word. She thanked me for being who I am and told me that I am a good man. Well damn! I was not ready for that. With all that I have had on my mind, it struck a cord in me somewhere deep inside and I had to leave. I had to leave quickly.


But as I walked away, I was overcome by this sense of awe and pride in the people that I call my tribe, at their strengths, and how they come together in times of trial like this. And with this knowledge, I was able to sleep that night. I was able to be a peace for a few ahn. My people would do fine, whether I was there for them or not, and that gave me a reassurance, and took some of the guilt.

Losses.

In the aftermath of the fire, there was confusion, but it was to be expected. My duty was to make some sort of order from the chaos. People still looked for family members, living on the hope that they were safe, but carrying around the knowledge in their hearts, that they weren't.


Mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, br0thers and sisters, all searching for someone that was lost to them. At one point I saw a woman, grabbing onto every child of a certain size that she came across, turning them around to see if they were who she sought. It was gut wrenching, because often the child held hope in their eyes, this this person was the one they were looking for. I can't help it, inside I cry for them, all of them, because every loss, is my loss.


We are gathering the remains of any that we find, putting them all together in on place, to make it easier eventually, when people give up hope for finding family alive, they can come and maybe find them among the dead and have at least a bit of closure. It was later in the day, when I was helping to carry three bodies in, that had actually been burned to the point, that skin, tissue and bone had melded together. A gristly sight, when I saw the woman again. She sat by one of the pyre wagons, holding a small boy of about the age of Also in her arms, rocking him back and forth, completely unaware of the flesh that was sloughing off of that poor little body, singing to him. I crouched down beside her and began to talk to her, and eventually the story unfolded.


Her name is Alma and mate has been dead for many years, her eldest son she lost to the larl attack last season, and all she had left was her youngest son, his mate and the small boy she cradled in her arms. The son and his mate had been found early in the day, both dead, and she had been looking for the grandson all day. I will admit it, it touched me. Here she was, alone on the world, having nothing. Her family all gone, her wagons lost, all the tools of her trade gone. I was finally able to get her to relinquish the body of the child, and to follow me.


Honestly, I was not entirely sure of the reception that I was going to get from Oren, but at the moment, I needed her. Alma needed her. It did not surprise me to see that there were other refugees there, that is just how Oren is. For all of her quirks, she is the most generous woman that I know. And I did not give a thought as to whether she was angry with me about the situation with Mezoo. All I knew is that Alma needed someone closer to her own age, that had suffered loss, and that would be Oren.


I settled Alma by the fire, then went in search of the woman. I guess it surprised me, when I did not get a crack to the shins from that staff, but instead she lifted her gnarled hand, lay it on my cheek and told me that I needed to wash my face, and get something to eat. At that moment, I wanted to kiss her, but I was not going to press my luck. I told her about Alma, how lost she was, and how she needed someone right now, and that I had more work to do. I promised that once we were settled, I would take the woman into my circle of wagons and be responsible for her, but that right now, I needed for someone to watch over her for me.


Well, the old harridan asked me if I was going to mate the woman. After that initial shock, and I realized this was Oren teasing, I just grinned and told her that the only woman for me would be Oren herself. I swear, she blushed. Patting me on the arm, she told me to go do tend to my duties, and she would keep the woman safe for me. At this point, I did lean and place a kiss to her temple, thanked her, and walked away.


Knowing, that there were people like Oren and Astar among the tribe, uplifted me somewhat. We would survive, because of people like them. Little did I know, that I was soon to meet others, that would restore my faith.

Thoughts in the still of the night.

I am tired. I can't ever remember being this tired. And it is not just the weariness of the body, but more than that. To see so much death and destruction makes me want to curl up for a time in hopes that it will just go away, even if I know it won't.


And the assurance and support of others have helped me to keep going, but I still can't help but shoulder a burden. Should I have moved us earlier? Even a day may have made a difference. I was waiting on the scouting reports about better grass, and maybe I waited too long. Maybe I should have had everyone packed up and ready sooner, so that when the reports came, we could have gotten on the move instantly. Would it have been different had we not tarried that one extra day? I will never know, all I can do, is carry this responsibility, but carry it in a way that it does not impede me in my future decisions for the tribe.


When I lay down to try and get some rest, I feel as if there is a bosk bull sitting on my chest robbing me of the deep breaths that I need. I am haunted by that night and all that happened. It is if I wish there were more of me, or that somehow I could split what there is to be in more places at the same time.


I was fighting along the fire line, helping with the trenches when I saw Tarra with Mezoo unconscious across her saddle jump the trench and head towards the healers wagons. At that moment, I wanted to abandon my post, to follow, to make sure she was alive. But I did not. I stay where I was until I was no longer needed there. Only then, did I ride towards the safety of the wagons, to see how she was.


It was such a blow to me to see her laying there, covered with soot and ash and unconscious. Thankfully the healer did not send me away, and allowed me to draw closer to sit beside her. Holding that delicate hand in mine, I was glad there was no one there to see me, and the tears that fell. She looked so small, so delicate, that it actually made me hurt to know that she had been in harms way.


And then there was the guilt. Our last conversation had not been pleasant. I think we both struggle to find the balance that we need to go forward with our lives. The frustration of not having the time to spend together was the third party to that conversation. And with us both being stubborn, and being Tuchuk it was hard for either of us to yield. I had hoped she would understand where I was. I had always had this thought in the back of my mind, that Ba'tar would return and we would be able to start our life together. I still had that hope, but I sensed something in her, that I had never seen before. A reticence to continue this journey with me. I will admit, it hurt. And at the time, I thought that maybe both of us needed some space to cool down and to think. I guess I was wrong.


I love Mezoo. I love her gentle nature, her smile, her laugh, her sense of humor, her compassion. All of those things I love. I had given up all hope that I would ever meet a woman that would be able to touch that part of me that I thought was dead, but she did. And she did not do it by any supreme effort, she did it by simply being who she is, and by making the effort to learn who I was. I love her for that.


When I saw her at the stream tonight, I sensed a difference in her, a distance, a coolness. I can say here, that it hurt me more than any of the wounds my body has ever absorbed. We had to talk. There was this part of me that did not want to, but there was the other part that knew it was necessary.


I have watched that beautiful face for so long, that it can't really hold secrets from me. But, for some reason, I think she has gotten the idea, that I don't love her, and nothing is further from the truth. I love her so much that it is a pain to me that I can't spend the time with her that I want, and I know she still loves me, it is there in her eyes. But there is something else there. I can almost see that she is searching for something that I cannot give her. It is not because I do not want to, but because right now, I just can't.


My father is a wise man. He once told me that if you have a treasure that your hold to be most precious, that the time may come that you will need to release it. To allow it to grow into what it is meant to be. If the love you have for it, and that it has for you, is true, then it will return to you, more beautiful than ever. If it does not return, then it was never meant to be.


I realized in talking with Mezoo, that this seeking that she had to do, would have to be in a direction that I could not walk. We have made promises to each other, and if I were the man that I was at one time, I might hold her to these promises, but I am a different man now, partly due to her. I will release her from these promises, to go her way, to find that thing she seeks.


I think the hardest thing that I have ever done, is to carry her back to Oren's wagons, set her on the platform then to walk away. The pain in my chest was so overwhelming, that I could not breathe.


And so I find myself here, alone and in the dark, with tears falling, and my heart aching for the loss of my precious Little Spex. I hope she finds that thing that will give her happiness, that person, that calling. As for me? I will always love her, but right now, I have found the strength to let her go, to let her find what she needs.


Fly my Little Spex. Soar and find your hearts desire.