My Brother

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me.

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's hear
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
(Rufus Wainwright)

When the word came, I just sat there. I think I had known for a long time that my brother was not returning, but I just didn't want to speak of if. Some would not know how close we really were. We had our moments when we fought, when we disagreed, but we were brothers and we were close. It was a strong bond, tested by time and the trials of brotherhood.


I had began to feel that bond fading. I had felt him fading. Do I feel guilty. Skies yes! Guilty that I was not there to fight by his side, to die with him. Guilty that I had lost faith in him coming back. Guilty that I still live, and he does not. I think that is how it is with brothers.


I sat for a long time with my memories. Memories of us as children, memories of the fights, and the times that we stood side by side, to fight others. Black eyes, bloodied noses, broken bones, we shared them all. There is this thing with some brothers. It is okay for me to pick on him, or for him to pick on me.......but, you let someone else try it, then they have to fight us both. That is just how it is with brothers.


I have spent all of my life, just a half a step behind him. He earned his name, I earned mine about a moon later. He earned his first scar, I was not far behind him. I think that is one of the reasons I took a mate first. I wanted to be the first to do something. In hindsight, I should have let him lead there too.


I loved my brother, and no one can really know how much I will miss the arrogant, bosk arse. He could charm gold out of Turians teeth, when he wanted, then turn around and make them so angry they wanted to kill. That is just how he was. I will miss him.


I knew there was one thing that I needed to do before the gossip got around camp. I needed to be the one to tell our parents, before anyone else could. It was not something that I looked forward to.


When I arrived at their wagons, I think our mother knew the moment that she saw me. To say that she was livid and inconsolable would be an understatement. And I thought I was ready for the guilt and recriminations, because it was him, and not me. But I am not sure you can ever be ready for that. It has never been a secret that Ba'atar was the first son, and the favorite of our mother. The rest of us grew accustomed to that long ago. And I know that because of some of the things in my past, she doesn't care for me much. She loves me. She is my mother, but I don't think she likes me much.


As for our Father. He knew how I was feeling, and the loss that weighed so heavy on me. And he know, that if I could have, I would have taken Ba'atar's place within the blink of one eye. It has been a long time since my father embraced me as he did that night. He knew that I needed it, and maybe he needed it too. Releasing me, he cuffed me on the cheek and told me to go tend to my people, that he would calm Mother. He is a good man, and I do not envy him, and what he has to deal with right now. Maybe someday, she will look at me in a different light, but it will not be tonight. Tonight is her night to grieve for her First Son.


And, I could already feel it. Tonight was going to be a paga night. I took a couple of botas, rode out past the herds and got down off of Lestat and dropped to the ground cross-legged. I drank to my brother, I drank to his companions, I drank to their lives and to our loss.


And then I sang. I sang a song for Ba'atar. A song for my brother.

Wards of the State....Sorta.

It has not been all that long ago, that I was basically living the life of a hermit in my wagons, on the edge of camp. Back then, I told myself I was content, and I think I was. I had built this shell around me, this persona meant to keep people at a distance. I hunted, took care of my needs, shared the bounty of my hunts with others, secretly. An occasional warrior would come to me for a scar he had earned. Usually one that I had the honor of scarring before. A repeat customer.


Occasionally I would venture to the wagons of my family for a visit, to try and keep the connection. I still think family connections are important, even though I had basically lapsed in mine. And these visits were where I learned the gossip of camp. People will tell you that women are the worst gossips. I will disagree with them. My brothers are no slouches. They kept me caught up on things that were going on in camp.


Those days are long gone. Ba'atar came to me, needing someone he trusted at the fires with him, now that he was Ubar. You do not deny your brother, that is all that there is to it. I came, but I still tried to keep myself separate, at that time, not wanting to be involved any further than what was needed by my brother, my Ubar.


All of that has changed. I am now Ubar, not by choice, or by challenge, but by request of my brother. I am doing my best to do what is right for my people, and I will admit, it is not an easy task, but I am muddling through.


One of the responsibilities that I have is for women. I am the guardian to women, imagine that. What were not all that long ago, my least favorite people, are now my wards. The Sky definitely has a sense of humor.


I imagine right now, Seveya is not real happy with me, and eventually I will have to deal with that. Besides Seveya, there is Asria. Asria, the year keeper that is not a year keeper.


I inherited Asria from Fonce. What happened between them, I don't know, and I haven't asked. All I know is that the woman is under my care. Not only her, but two small children. Recently, she approached me and told me that she wanted to change clans. This is not something that happens often, but I got the impression that she never really chose her first clan, and that made it a little different.


She wants to be a singer. Believe it or not, she has come to the right person. One of the best Singers that I know just happens to be my father, Aamon. He is not only an excellent singer, he is a patient teacher. I know that first hand, because he was very patient with me, right up until the point I finally put us both out of our misery, dug in my heels and said I was NOT, going to be a Singer.


He will be good for Asria. I am thinking that she needs someone to work with her, that did not know her late man, Trayu. That has no pre-conceived ideas about who she is and who she should be. My father, will treat Asria, as Asria, fledgling singer. It will be interesting to see how this progresses.


My main ward is Cana, the mate of my brother. For the most part, she is no problems. She knows who she is, she is self-reliant, a woman with direction. Not a complainer, and asks for very little. Even her children are no more problems than most children are. They are spirited, but also disciplined, and well behaved, considering their ages. And the girls, are special to me. Even as young as they are, I find them beautiful, and can see in the future, how they will grow even more so. And I don't give a damn what they say, these girls will be no problem.


Recently, I do have a problem with Cana. Not one that she has really brought on by actions, or deed. She doesn't talk to me much, and I get a lot of what I know from others. Ergo, Mezoo. I know that Cana is having trouble sleeping. I can understand this. She is a woman whose man has been gone for over a year now, without a word. What woman would not be having trouble sleeping, under those circumstances?


But, from what I am being told, she is having nightmares. I don't dream, so I don't know anything about this. All I know is that she is losing weight, and when she smiles, it does not extend to her eyes. It is almost as if she thinks it is her duty to smile. Her clan work has not suffered, she still manages to take care of her children, but there is just something off about her. I have a great deal of respect for her, and because of that, I am worried.


And besides, if anything happens to her, Ba'atar will kill me when he returns. But there is definitely something amiss, something terribly wrong.

Is the Price too Steep?

You know, I have about decided that Cana has as many spies in this damn camp as I do. She knew about Another One, Oren and the verr, but she made me sweat, worrying about a reaction. I don't know why? I have yet to see a mean streak in the woman. Not even a small one. But, I have this feeling, that she might now have a mean streak, but she does have it in her to get even with me, sooner or later. But for now, everything is smoothed over, more or less.


That is when my next challenge presented itself. Damn!


What do you do when a man, a friend comes to you to ask a bride price. You give it to him, right? I can't just do the easy thing, name a few baubles, a number of bosk, maybe a fine bull, and be done with it. I have to ask a question, that I already knew the answer to.


Do you love the woman?


Well, no. You see, my friend is a very intense man, one of deep thoughts on many things, but I have learned long ago, that there is the one thing, that in all his wisdom, he does not understand or know. That one thing is love. He loves his tribe, he loves the land, and I think there are even friends and family members that he hold great respect and affection for. But does the man know love? I don't think so.


And therein lies my problem. We have both just turned through ourselves to make things right with the woman, to place her back where she belongs, to make her feel safe and protected. In doing that, did he really think I would set a price for her, to a man that admits that he does not love her? Not even for the man I consider my best friend. Not even to a man that I respect above all others.


Was I being narrow minded? Maybe so. But I just can't help it. I feel the both of them need more time, that this is coming too soon after the situation that we have all just barely managed to make right for the woman. I have got to know down deep in my soul, that they are right for each other. Now, what makes me the judge of that. Nothing.


There was a time, with me, that love would never have even entered into the equation. A time when the price would be set, paid, then they would have been on their own from that point on. But I am not that same man.


I am a man who has floundered himself when it came to the subject of love. I am a man who has known first hand what it is to be in a situation where one loves, and the other doesn't. I know how deadly that can be. I know how it can suck the very life out of you, make you act in ways that are uncharacteristic for you, as a person. I do not want that for Seveya. And I do not want it for Fonce.


The man Fonce possesses a standard of honor that I truly see in very few. He has an integrity about himself, and all that he does, that we should all look to as an example. Do I doubt that he would take care of Seveya. No. That is just not who he is. He would mate her, take care of her needs, and I even think that in the beginning, he would try to love her, in the only way that he knows how.


It is down the road that I worry about. What if the day comes when that integrity and honor is not enough? What if the day comes, when he realizes, or she realizes that what they have is not strong enough to withstand the day to day vagaries of life together.


Right now, I have no doubts that they both feel something for each other. I have no doubts that she loves him, and I really have no doubts that maybe incites something in him that no other has. My hope, is that something can grow from all of this.


By denying the bride price, and I trying to dash all of this? No. All I am trying to do is to get them to take more time. More time to look at what they have together, and see if it is something that will endure past these feelings of passion, and maybe even new emotions that are boiling in them both. I want them to be sure.


We mate for life. Good, bad or indifferent, that is how it is. I have seen matings set aside, but I have never seen anything really good come from this. There are always deeper emotions flowing beneath the surface, some that maybe never get resolved.


I do not want this for either of them. She has been through enough. And from what I know of him, so has he. All I want for them to do is take time, to know each other. To see if what they have can grow into something more.


And I realize, that in denying the price to him right now, I may be affecting my own future. But I have come to realize something about Mezoo and myself. What grows between us will endure. Each moment we spend together, brings us closer, makes us stronger. And understanding grows between us, a bond that it will grow stronger with each passing day.


This is what I want for Fonce and Seveya. This knowing, that they can endure life together, with all of the hardships that come with it.


I have no doubts that he will speak to me of this again, eventually. Maybe by that time, my answer will be different. But it will not be tomorrow, or the day after. They still need time.

Another One and Oren

All my problems are over, right? Well, not exactly. There were still a few rough edges to smooth out.


The next morning I gathered up Another One, explaining to him that he was going to learn to herd verr. To say he was reticent would be an understatement. We stopped and I sat on the steps of a wagon, drew him closer and spoke to him in this conspiratorial whisper, like I was imparting great knowledge to him. I explained that the woman Oren was lonely, and needed someone to keep her company in the herds, but that this was a warrior's secret, and he could not tell this to anyone, especially, Oren!


Mezoo has been spending quite a bit of time with Cana's children and they adore her. I don't mean like her, I mean they think the Central Fire rises and sets in her shadow. So do I, but that is another story. I will admit.......I used this. I explained to him that if Oren got too lonely, that Mezoo would have to move her wagons back to be with her, and the children would not be able to see her everyday, as they were now. The look of shock and consternation on that boys face, was almost painful to watch, and I will admit to a twinge of guilt. But only a small twinge.


Hastily, he agreed to spend his time with the verr, making it seem like the supreme sacrifice so that his siblings could still spend time with Mezoo.


Ha!


I think it was more along the lines of him being able to spend more time with the little spex, but I did not let on that I knew.


I should probably be beat for what I used as the closer. Leaning in closer, I look around to make it seem that this was the biggest secret of all, then I appealed to that thing which all men have, no matter how young, or how old. I told him to remember, if he learned the verr, that was something that none of his brothers would know about, even Tug. I'll be damned if I didn't see this almost avaricious twinkle in his eye. He was about to learn something that not even his older brother knew.


From that point on, I could not move fast enough to get him to Oren and her verr. Introductions were made, and I slowly backed away as Oren began to explain those foul little four-legged eating things to the boy. But, I was not quick enough. Oren looked up, and eyed me, studying me, and somehow, she knew, and for now she was going to let me get away with it, but I have this feeling that I will pay for it later on.


I did not tarry, turned on my heel and escaped the verr herds as quickly as I could.


Ayguili, you are a manipulator, not a good one, but you got by this time. Next on your agenda of manipulation, will be selling this all to Cana.


Good luck!.

The Sacrificial Lamb, So to Speak

Apologies were accepted, and we began to make progress, and I was feeling better. Oren, being Oren, started right in on me about all the things that Seveya needed now.


I had already thought of this, and had been working on it. Since my talk with Fonce the day before, I had procured a wagon, and had set my girls to taking things from my "stuff" wagon, that they thought would make a woman more comfortable. I had even gone to my scarrers' wagon, and gathered up a box of pigments. I think that sometimes people forget that I am a scarrer, and that I do know something about pigments and colors. I also includes some roots, dried flowers, and other things that she would need to make her own paints. It as a start.


When I mentioned this, Oren got into a huff again. She said Seveya was staying right where she was. Finally, finally Fonce stepped in to help me, and helped me to make her understand that right now, it was tantamount for Seveya to return to the First Fires, her head held high. If this did not happen, then all of this would have been for nothing.


I think right now, with Mezoo having moved her wagons to the circle of the First Fires, Oren is feeling that I am taking everyone away from her, and that is not my intent. Blazes! If I had my way, I would move them all there, but Mezoo has said that they do not wish to be there, which I can understand.


Oren began to cluck about I was taking everyone away, and what was she to do for verr herders? I stepped right up, did the Ubar thing and told her that I had thousands of men under my command, and if she wanted verr herders, she would have them. Did I just see Fonce pale?


Suddenly an idea hit me, and without giving it a lot of thought, I acted on it. I knew that I would probably pay for it later, but right now it just seemed to be such a good idea.


You might say, that I tossed the verr herder a sacrificial lamb, of sorts. I had to be very careful of exactly how I did this. I offered to send my nephes, Cana's son, Another One to learn verr herding from her.


I explained to her that the young man was going through a difficult time, and needed someone with her wisdom to help guide him. And there was not a hort of bosk shit in that. The boy was having a hard time with the only man that he knew as a father gone for so long. I actually think it would be good not only for the boy, but also maybe for Oren.


Now there was this delicate balance that needed to be reached here. I had to make Oren realize that she was doing me this huge favor in talking the boy under her wing, and not be too obvious, that I was also trying to save my own skin at the same time.


She reacted just as I thought she would. She put on this air of long suffering, and of being very busy, but willing to do this favor, just for me. I could have kissed her!


This was working out well. Oren was going to get her verr herder, but much more importantly, another young person to guide and teach, and Another One was going to not only learn about the verr, but he was going to get some one on one attention that I felt he needed. Fonce and I had bit the proverbial, lance head and had escaped the verr herds, momentarily. It was a win, win, situation all around.


Now, all I have to do is get this by Cana. Skies! What was I thinking?

The Ins and Outs of Apologizing, with a Staff Hovering Near.

What is it about one little woman, and one big stick that can put the fear into a grown man? Maybe, it is because that little woman, is wiser than all of us put together. That, and the damn stick hurts!


And there she was, leaning on that staff as if she were guarding the entire camp from me and my folly. Or that is how I felt at the moment. How is it that I always feel like a chastened boy when I come in contact with this woman? Like one that needs to confess to sins that he had not even committed, simply because she wanted such? The fact that she immediately removed Fonce from every thing, almost made me bolt and run. But the fact that he quietly went and sat on the furs she indicated, did have its' own amusement. But I only had a moment to reflect on that before she turned her attentions back to me.


I knew I was in trouble when she addressed me as.......Ubar. Not good, not good at all. Twice she did this. Can we say.........fear? I knew at that moment, this was not an easy task that I was working on, but it was an important one. And in that realization, I knew that the best thing for me to do was be honest, and I was.


I told Oren that I needed to speak to Seveya about trust. She seemed to understand this, even agreed with it, and even called me by my name! Maybe I would survive this yet.


Oren called Seveya out, told her that I wanted to talk to her, and to come listen, and if she didn't like what I had to say, she could march right back inside the wagon.


The first thing that hit me was her face, and the anger bubbled up inside me, and I had to push it back down. I have seen the results of beatings, and I have seen slaves that had been beaten, but what that man had done to her was beyond the pale. Beyond anything that might have been necessary. At that moment, I think somewhere inside of me, made the decision to have him dealt with, but not now. Right now it would have just added more fuel to this fire that I was trying to stamp out.


Seveya was not pleased to see me, you could tell that by her body language. And in all honesty, it confused me, but I would later learn why she was more than reticent to speak to me. It had more to do with Fonce, and how I had treated him, than it had to do with her. I was saved by Oren, who encouraged her to sit on the steps and talk. Skies bless the little woman.


Suffice to say, I was not quite finished with making mistakes. The fact that Seveya had not come to me before she had made such a rash decision, still bothered me. Am I not a fair man? A man that wants only good for those around him? My next mistake was in mentioning this to Seveya, and her responsibility to do that very thing.


Damn that staff hurts!


After a verbal lesson on how to apologize, I tried to made Oren understand that I really was trying here. And not only to protect my shins, but to get across that I was sincere, even if I was flawed. A woman understands that right? A flawed man. In fact, I think they like us that way just a little. Those bony fingers began to beat a tattoo on my chest, and I did the very first thing that came to my head. I took that gnarled hand in mine, kissed the fingers and asked her to please hear me out.


It worked!


I was allowed to continue to speak with the young artisan, in hopes to make her understand how much I wanted this all put aside, and for her to be safe. And, that there was no way that I would have allowed a woman of the First Fires to be bargained away to one of the outer wagons. When she mentioned that I did know, I was shocked. I did? She said that Karvek had mentioned it, but I'll be damned if I remembered it.


I may have been dead in the water there, had not Oren stepped in and asked if Mezoo had been there at the time. Well, I didn't remember it happening, so how did I know if Mezoo had been there or not? Seveya stepped in to toss me a life line, by saying that yes, Mezoo had been present. I had to admit, that I was often distracted when the little spex was there. And you know, they forgave me for it.


I went on to explain to Seveya that I wanted her back at the First Fires as a free woman of the Tuchuk. I just could not see her on her knees to any man, I had far too much respect for her to see that, and I feel that she has too much to offer her people as a woman that is free, than as a slave. It was all true. She had faltered, but don't we all? It was now time to put her back in her proper place, and to stand behind her, protect her and to support her.


She accepted my apology, then began to trim my ears over my treatment of Fonce. What? I am going to pat myself on the back here. I accepted the dressing down, because was this not what I wanted....for her to be a free woman, and to have the ability to express her opinions? It is that double edged sword thing, I think.


I had to explain to her, that even though I had made my mistakes in all of this, that there was not a man in this camp that I trusted or respected more than Fonce. It worked. Maybe it worked because it was the truth, and I find that if you speak the truth, it is always better.

Take This Job and Shove-it!

As I write this, I am weary. Not only of body, but of heart, soul and mind. There are not enough ahn's in a day, days in a hand, or hands in a moon to handle all that comes to me sometimes. Much I give to Fonce, my second in command, for he is better at dealing with some things than I am. And he is the only one that I trust, to speak in my stead.


Ok, let's talk about that trust. I have let my second in command down. But more importantly, I let my friend down, and that bothers me more. He came to me to talk about what had transpired with the woman Seveya, to make a request of me, and damn it, I bungled it badly.


Go figure.


For some reason I got it into my head, that as Ubar, not as a friend to Fonce, or a guardian to Seveya, but as Ubar, I needed to hear all sides, so I had the man Karvek brought to me. Mistake, big mistake, probably. I listened to him, to what he said were his concerns, and in a moment of clouded vision, I saw some validity in them. First mistake.


Second mistake? I asked Fonce to join us so that we could get to the bottom of things. It is not always wise to bring two men together to discuss something this delicate. Especially when they have hugely differing opinions, and one of them is actually crazy as a marsh loon.


Go figure.


In some sort of mistaken idea that I needed to be fair, I lost sight of my objective. The objective was not to work things out between these two men, my objective was to take care of and protect a woman that was my ward. I think that is where the waters muddy a little for me. When Karvek returned to camp, and I found out that he was her uncle, I never got the opportunity to speak with him on this matter. In fact, each time I saw him, he either basically ignored me, or left. That should have raised some red flags, but it didn't.

Bottom line, and mistake number three. I said things that I should not have, and lost the trust of a man that I respect above all others in camp. Fonce was angry when he left, and Karvek? Well, it is hard to say what Karvek was. There is much about the man that suddenly did not ring true, and was my first clue to how badly I had handled this entire situation. And at the time all of this was going on, I still did not have all of the facts that I needed.


Go fuckin' figure.


What I found out later served to make me reassess what I thought of the man. The actions that he took, were far and beyond those of a family member, and bordered more along the lines of a jilted lover. And, no matter what the idiot thing, he did not act like a Tuchuk. When I found that he had been burning fires within the harigga, my anger knew no bounds. He put his own madness and jealousy ahead of the safety of his people, and had he not chosen to leave on his own, I am not real sure that he would not have been visited by those that I have at my disposal to take care of problems of this nature. A madman in camp, just what we needed..


The next day I was finally able to talk to Fonce again, and it was rocky, and I understand that. I had erred and I knew that, but it was not intentional and it took me a long time to get this across to the man. He was still angry with me, he didn't trust me, he didn't exactly understand where I was coming from, and that I knew that I had made huge mistakes.



I did the only thing that I know how to do. I finally put aside the Ubar, and tried to speak as a friend. I had to speak from my heart and acknowledge that I had made mistakes. I am not real sure even then, that he understood. But somehow, someway, I had to make him understand that this was not about him, me, or even Karvek.


This entire thing was about Seveya. Did I agree with what she had done. No way. However, I had seen a glimmer as to why she did what she did, after seeing her uncle's reactions, and the devastation his jealously and madness had imprinted upon my camp.


I told Fonce, that right now, she was the most important thing in all of this. I know that there will be people that will scream to the Sky herself over what I wanted to do, but I will deal with them in time. I wanted to instill the artisan back to her place at the Ubar's Fires. I wanted to give her that rare second chance, that some often do not get. I just could not see her on her knees before any man. She had fought too hard to earn her place, and damn it all, I did not want to see her lose it over something like this.


I wanted her back under my protection. I want good things for her, and to protect her from anything hurting her again. That is what I wanted.


That is what I had lost sight of when all of this started. Fonce had come to me to ask for that exact thing, and I had lost my way in giving it to her. Now it was time for me to step up, fulfill a promise to her that I had made in the beginning, and not to falter so badly this time.


He finally relented, and took me to see Seveya. She was at the wagons of Oren, and I had to get past Oren, in order to talk to Seveya..


Go figure